You are what you wear

If clothes make the man, then hats must make the woman. I love hats, but it's on the rare occasion that I scare up enough gumption to wear one. Watching the nuptials of William and Kate underscored my love of hats.
   While it is a uniquely human trait to be able to accessorize, animals have always innately understood the importance of preening, lest we forget the male peacock. I admit that when I am gussied up in my Sunday clothes, it makes me feel differently about myself. Even if the outfit is arguably not comfortable, it changes the way I view myself.  
   Hats have a more immediate impact on my self confidence. But getting there can be a tug of war with myself. The judgmental part of me argues that I do not have the right to wear a hat. "Who do you think you are calling attention to yourself like that?" This often silences my urge sufficiently. But once in a while, the bolder side emerges and takes things in hand. "Why not wear that hat, Missy?"
   Ultimately, my hope is that as I age and get a bit dodgy (as the Brits would say) I hope that my hidden side wins out and I become a veritable Bella Abzug.
   To read more on my Erie Times-News blog, click here.

Check your ego at the door, kemosabe

My four brothers have taught me a lot. As a group, are they the funniest band of clever witted males I have ever known and like most siblings, have adopted a shared vocabulary that is testimony to their bond. A metro-sexual, in their vernacular, is known as "Mr. Fancy Pants;" one who is pumped up on his own testosterone is a "Hard Guy;" and someone who is self consumed and me-focused, is "Mr. Very Important." Of course, they use these terms to describe each other as well. And there are varying inflections that accompany each phrase, which I would have trouble mirroring here for you in mere words.
   Part of the benefit of having a lot of siblings is that, with or without intention, they keep everyone else's ego in check. It doesn't take much to be reduced to those childhood days when the playing field was much more equal and power was summed in who got to pick what television show we all would watch. I am thankful that our dynamic is a humorous one.  
   Hence when Mr. Very Important--that substantial ego that resides in all of us--takes the center stage, there is always someone within virtual elbow room to help point that out. But it requires seeking that ego check. And when Mr. VIP is in charge, he doesn't like to be corrected.
   There are some misconceptions about Mr. Very Important, alias, your ego. For instance, while ego is integrally tied to feelings of self importance and entitlement, it is not a measure of self esteem. Many get the two confused. Arrogant people for the most part do not enjoy intrinsic, unshakable self worth. Scratch the surface of a braggart and a bully and you will find insecurity. Conversely, someone who is modest and self effacing isn't necessarily a quivering nebbish, either. Those are often the characteristics of someone who has sufficiently pushed their egos aside to enjoy a much more peaceful existence of not having to prove themselves to anyone.
   Ego manifests itself in hurt feelings--I have found it's the main indicator that my ego is responding to a situation rather than my soul. The scenario goes something like this: Someone is critical of something I wrote. I react. I am hurt. I am angry. I am even mortally wounded, depending on how ego-based I am that day. But when I don't take it personally, when I remind myself that their reaction is completely their own and they are even entitled to it, well, I find myself in a very secure place. When my ego is in check and not front and center, I can hear the same criticism and respond much differently. Nine times out of ten, the end result is a win-win for both of us.
   It's true what they say--don't take anything personally. People go about doing what they do not in collusion to hurt us. There is no grand scheme afoot to undermine us. If you think that, it's your ego.
   Ego comes part and parcel with the human experience, but it isn't the entire package. It's lumped in there with emotions, physicality and mental thought--all aspects of our human selves that we sometimes erroneously believe is the sum total of who we are. Mr. Very Important has a way of edging out spirituality and soul and even love. What we are left with is a series of ego skirmishes, both small and colossal, that undermine the truth. And the truth is, we are in this together.